Bereft

Rain slithers on window pane
freezing statis, anticipating
moments held, between
time, immortalised.

He watches,
as innocence slips away
in sleep, morphing
into ancient runic creases
around youthful eyes.

As ochre dawn
reaches out to touch
her deathly pallor,
dancing daybreak on
death’s desired,
time stands still.

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5 responses to “Bereft

  1. There are a lot of good ideas and observations driving this poem, I think. Some telling images too. Ochre dawn reaching out, being one of them.

    In the first stanza I thought there were perhaps too many, like it had bitten off more than it could chew (horrible cliche, for which I apologise). I wasn’t sure how moments held could also be anticipated, but the feeling I have is that, again, there is a perfectly valid – and maybe powerful – idea driving this. There just isn’t the space in the stanza to bring it out.

    The two remaining stanzas are inspirational. I love that of innocence morphing into something else, and the final one is just beautiful.

  2. I enjoyed this Shan, the first verse has strong impact. I love
    ‘morphing
    into ancient runic creases.’
    In the final stanza, I wonder if the alliterative ‘d’ is slightly overdone? As ‘deathly pallor’ is quite often seen in combination, maybe a different adjective here would allow the reader to really enjoy the impact of ‘ochre dawn’?
    having said that, it was a good read…

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