Wasted woman

Fucked in the head and on the bed
tears stain, white sheets crumpled unseen
orgasm faked, pro trampoline
believed the lines whispered instead

painted stained nails in crimson red
she could have graced the silver screen
but she’s fucked in the head on the bed
tears stain, white sheets, crumpled unseen.

So here she muses; legs like lead
a withered banshee venting spleen
spouting crap ‘bout the unforeseen
words unheard that no one said
fucked in the head and on the bed

17 responses to “Wasted woman

  1. Well you’ve worked in a lot of changing rhythms …lots of anapests into this one. Some lines were iambic and you used some caesuras too. I just believe sing/song is not in your head. You definitely have jazz beats going on there, Shan. It’s all good. The piece works beautifully even if you did stray from rhythm, your form is perfect! (And the content singes!)

    • The rhythm as you’ve guessed is intentionally conscrued for that uncomfortable feeling that I wanted to leave the reader with, and the question really, did she set out to be this messed up? The sing songy iambic tetrameter is used in the straighter lines 🙂 Thanks Gay, glad you enjoyed the read.

  2. The hard consonants and the soft vowels and sibilants make war not love well here, like the changing, dueling rhythm, which reads as you say, in a flow that while not really jagged is precipitous/arrested alternating, suiting the way you want the reader to follow the thoughts. I like it a lot, not least in that it modernizes an old form seamlessly without rape or ruin. Really excellent writing here, Shan.

  3. i second gay and joy – it reads like a fight and the rhythm works very well with the content..makes me sense the tension, sadness and fight in the lines..and yeah – tetrameter all the way down…

  4. The dissonant play on the convntional metrical structure works as you intended, giving this venomous poem a discordant, uneasy feel, reflecting its subject.

  5. I agree with the ladies here…nice twist on the rhythm and the alternating hard and soft sounds makes for a raw read for sure!

  6. It’s a hard poem, a hard reality, and the structure fits it well. The rhythm, while not flowing, fits this theme/subject.

    Lady Nyo

  7. I don’t know much about meter and all, but I really like that you chose to do a sonnet with a rough-around-the-edges subject– a gritty sonnet, if you will. 🙂 very cool.

  8. I can hear the band pounding this out in brawly syncopation – staccato bursts, banshee guitar wails, abrupt stops and crashing crescendoes with above it all a high-register shriek of violated blues. And always the question: who’s fucking who? – Brendan

  9. Poor, poor woman. They say the sign of a good poem is when it breathes…and this one certainly breathes. It is a stark, vivid portrait of a person, with story, and character–such a dark yet well-structured creation. It hits right off the bat, and the grip it holds on the reader never lets up.

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