Stiletto

Firstly I would like to thank my friend Marion Freidenthal for use of her wonderful free verse poem Stiletto for my inspiration for word play this morning. Marion is a wonderful writer and can be found at http://bleedingmoonpoetry.blogspot.com/ she challenged me a while back to turn Stiletto into a form poem, so I’ve produced both a Triolet and a Rondel for you here.

Marion’s original poem

Stiletto

perfumed beauty
fingers caressing
silkiness encasing
shapely legs
innocent eyes
watching, fearfully,
from within
duvet sanctuary

six inch heels
tap
tap

tapping

out the door
into darkness
day after day
years pile up
wrinkles

dreaded call comes
doctors and nurses
try to repair
John’s handiwork
the face
the body
patched
remnants of desire

perfumed beauty
fingers caressing
silkiness encasing
shapely legs
jaded eyes
watching, fearfully,
from within
duvet sanctuary

six inch heels
tap
tap
tapping

out the door

Triolet version

perfumed beauty, six inch heels, fingers touching shapely legs,
silken casing, watched by duvetted innocent eyes
creaming the wrinkles, tottering tap tap on broken pegs
perfumed beauty, six inch heels, fingers touching shapely legs
operate, scrape, straighten damaged coffee dregs
recapturing youth in fifty year old lies
perfumed beauty, six inch heels, fingers caressing shapely legs
silken casing, coveted by jaded daughters’ eyes

Rondel Version

Perfumed beauty, six inch heels, fingers tracing silhouette
silken casing, coveted by duvetted innocent wide eyes
holding head proud to the skies
dainty graceful pirouette

tap tap, cream the wrinkles dye the brunette
recapturing youth in fifty years of lies
perfumed beauty six inch heels, fingers tracing silhouette
silken casing, coveted by sheltered youngsters eyes

operate, dissect, scrape the bones of the baroness
doctors and nurses repairing ties
daughter now tottering on gazelle like thighs
all grown up and worldly wise
perfumed beauty six inch heels, fingers tracing silhouette

Thanks to Marion for being such a good sport and allowing me to play with form on her work.

This is written for Rondel week over at one stop poetry hosted this week by Claudia

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16 responses to “Stiletto

  1. wonder if this stiletto on the pic is yours shan…if yes – you are BRAVE…smiles
    cool that you’ve played with marion’s poem – the meter in your rondel is very free – it doesn’t have to be iambic and it doesn’t have to be tetrameter – so that’s fine – but you have a very wide range – going from 16 to 7 syllables. you have lots of trochées in your rondel like
    HOLding HEAD..
    PERfumed BEAUty..
    last stanza, line 4 you have a b rhyme – should be an a rhyme
    not sure if baroness/silhouette rhyme works for me
    what i like a lot is the content – have seen marion’s poem on the board a while ago and thought it’s stunning

    • Thanks for the crit, I enjoyed playing. Next weeks will be more structured, I promise, so difficult to pit all Marions content into form. Does syllable count matter or is it just a rhythm thing?

  2. Great work Shan. A great example of both forms. Love the
    Rondel “Perfumed beauty, six inch heels, fingers tracing silhouette”
    I am warm. Thank you

  3. Fascinating, Shan. I love them both, and the original is excellent as well. It’s really interesting to see how the rondel is more like an echo of the image, more purely visual, and the triolet more visceral, more a dance. The idea comes across in all three, but the impression it leaves is different in each. I like it when you play, and thanks to you and Marion for the joint effort.

  4. Enjoyed all three, but i think the rondel has stuck with me. Perhaps, after researching the form and getting into the feel of it, that is to be expected 🙂 (Geek side of me taking over!) And, I must say, the original was quite a write to begin with. Fun stuff 🙂

  5. wow, you worked overtime today. I like the Rondel best overall…and I also enjoyed Marion’s free verse which made those “tap, tap, taps,” really stand out (no pun intended) and I love onomatopoeia!

  6. I have to agree I like the rondel best, as well. It provides such a succinct picture of the character, like a painting that calls attention to specific details which suggest the larger picture. Seems happy and sad as I assume the Baroness’ memories must be.

Put me out of my misery people!

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