Bad villan(h)elle

I sit here reminiscing on my day
and concentrate on things that made me laugh
to try and write a funny villanelle

My pen it fails to write in metered rhyme
And all my clichéd thoughts come out quite naff
this flow you talk about won’t find a way.

I tell myself to breathe, just take some time
to wisely harvest wheat from all the chaff
But I descend into the depths of hell.

At loggerheads- my muse feels like a mime
why can’t I write a simple paragraph?
surely there must be some easier way?

Is murder of my brain a serious crime?
Could really do some damage with a staff
My neurons hiding deep within their shell.

Pathetic now, I’m giving up on rhyme
My motive was to only make you laugh
At least I’ve tried there’s nothing more to say
And this will be my final villan(h)elle

Oh dear! Written for form Monday…go and link yours at one shot poetry

Ok so not one to give up…and regretting what I’d just pencilled in my little red book…I waited till the kids to exit stage left…and tried again

You sifted slowly deep beneath my skin
And serpentined a coil around my heart
In hues of red descending in my dreams

A nightmare cry is lost and finds release
my sinew sighs and muscles slowly part
reluctant evil ways to let you in

my body yearns to find its inner peace
but you’re not done, in fact this is the start
as veins flow black with dirty little schemes

and locked within my mind my pain is ceased
whilst evil lingers in horrific art
the veil of fantasy is wearing thin

your darkened fingers now tinged with cerise
I’m watching as you tare my soul apart
I’m helpless viewing-tearing at the seams

You shifted slowly deep under my skin
and danced upon the soul you tore apart
you left me on the outside looking in
A battered memory with no esteem.

Was that better? 🙂

Moral of this story-don’t try to write and look after children at the same time…

Advertisements

14 responses to “Bad villan(h)elle

  1. Yes, the laughing mission was accomplished. I can so relate–i pummelled my poor brain into a vegatative state this weekend trying to do a sonnet–sonnet is the poetic form of bonsai–trim and torture your thoughts into a straitjacket of form–at least for me. I enjoyed this a lot, even if perhaps the villanelle tradition was in the same shape as your brain at the end. ;_)

  2. ah shan – you don’t give up that easily…not you…
    just realize that i don’t manage to leave a detailed comment on every villanelle…but if you want me to comment detailed + pointing things out, you can leave me a comment over at one stop and i’ll be back..
    and i LOVE your sense of humor

  3. This was a really good poem, but sadly, my dear, not a villanelle. You didn’t repeat your lines – Line 1 should be Line 6 Line 12 and Line 18. While Line 3 should be Line 9 Line 15 and Line 19. The rime scheme is aba aba aba aba aba abaa which if you count assonance (and I do) your rime scheme pretty much worked. So now all you have to do is plug in the lines and make the others fill them out to say what you want. You can vary the repeating line ever so little to give it a less static feel.

    I like Hedgewitch am struggling with a sonnet and that doesn’t seem fair either. It simply will not bend to my will. It’s about Paris. Perhaps another trip there in the future would turn the trick.

  4. Oddly enough I have a sonnet for Wednesday’s post thanks to Luke Prater…an English Shakespearian sonnet. I’ve been playing around with form I don’t understand and I didn’t know to repeat lines…I was kind of thinking whilst I was reading some of the others why some lines were repeated. D’oh! Back to the drawing board…again 😀

  5. top marks on both for the iambic pentameter though Shan. Not easy. You actually achieved two poems technically harder than your average villanelle, both because you stuck diligently to iambic pentameter (rather than just losse pentameter/tetrameter etc), and because you though up new lines the whole way, instead of using two refrains. A villanelle is EASIER THAN THIS!

    • Since my lesson on iambs…I can’t stop writing them, I just got into that heartbeat rhythm. Think you can give over some time for a lesson in villanelling? It took me three attempts to spell the form name properly! Idiot me!

  6. Ach, so it’s not a villanelle. Who gives a crap? What they are are two awesome poems despite themselves. The first had me giggling along as you struggled (almost intentionally it seemed.) The second had a fantastic heartbeat rhythm which many poets (including myself) struggle with. You’re a rare natural talent and you shouldn’t put yourself down the way you do. These were great.

  7. Having said what I did, I came back thinking perhaps what I wrote sounded harsh. I don’t think it did; but I thought about your poems and just wanted to let you know that I thought both worthy of a lot more praise than I gave them. It’s that English teacher thing…really have to watch out for that. Poetry uses technique; it’s not ABOUT technique. So fantastic writes notwithstanding.

    • Please don’t think you’ve upset me in any way shape or form Gay…that’s what I’m here for…to learn…and I got it wrong the first time, you were the only one brave enough to point it out and correct me which I always appreciate. It made me go back and re think and write a better one in form and following the rules. I will blog it later in the week…I’ll see how it goes! Thank you honestly I appreciate honest English teacher crit…as long as you don’t mind mne picking holes in your chemistry if you ever write about any 😀

Put me out of my misery people!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s